i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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