I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
