i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
