Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
