I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
