she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
