Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
