Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
