I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.