I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow