I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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