if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
