it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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