Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
