Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
