I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
