the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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