I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
