mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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