They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
