That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
