I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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