I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
