So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
