MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
