Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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