I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
