wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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