Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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