I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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