his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
