Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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