I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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