Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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