He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
