I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
