Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
