So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
