i already hear my dad disowning me
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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