If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
