Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
