I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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