I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
