Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
