A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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