i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
