Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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