this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
