I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
