It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
