I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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