Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
