So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
