how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
