I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
