saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
