My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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