I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
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I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
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I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
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