Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
